I used to be a tireless caregiver – searching for approval and believing I had to work hard to gain love and acceptance. This was a survival mechanism I learnt because I was given away a birth; I didn't believe that you could deserve to be loved!
I held onto the belief ( in every cell of my body ) that love, affection and belonging had to be earned by caring for and looking after others, doing things for others and buying gifts for them too. As you can imagine this was exhausting both emotionally and physically and expensive both financially and emotionally!
As an eleven year old I discovered I was adoption. My inner 11 year old me created a whole set of guidelines for survival based on this discovery e.g. because the real me felt invisible in my adopted family I believed I had to do extreme sports, challenge conservative society, wear radical hair cuts and clothes and question what I was told, also to 'push' everyone around me to justify their beliefs and actions.
It is only since educating my 11 year old self and comforting her that I have been able to release these behaviors. Whilst I don't feel as a mature adult that I have to conform to other peoples belief systems I certainly don't outwardly challenge them or create annoying behaviours so that I am noticed!
Why am I telling you this?
Because many of us develop a set of beliefs at a young age and if left unchecked or investigated they can have debilitating impacts on our adult life! Working with our wounded inner child is an important part of active therapy and can create real change with love, compassion and a greater understanding of self.
I did eventually meet my natural parents, and I spent many years with them in my life, but this brought its own set of complexities :
1.Feelings of being torn with where my loyalties lay - I often felt like I was disloyal to mum and dad who had raised me;
2. my natural family wanted me to be like them and 'fit in', and i made myself very small in order to do this for quite a lot of years, until I realised I had lost 'me' in the process.
3. Loosing contact with some of the family I had grown up with because they felt betrayed or couldn't understand why I would search for my natural family
4. The realisation that I could love both families equally - but that none of them believed I did or could !
Many of the theraputic movements I can offer clients come from my own study and healing where I have actually gone through these active processes myself.
I no longer change myself or apologise to anyone for who I am! I am content with my past, I focus on living in the present and whilst I actively hope for a bright future I am well aware that my actions, thoughts, feelings and daily meditation practice are the only way to ensure I will be ready and healthy to face whatever my future life has in store for me!
When I choose to help and give to others now, it is simply from a place of love and compassion.
When I say no to requests now, I am empowered to speak from my hear,t and to protect my energy and focus on what serves me and my highest good – I am not exhausted the way I used to be and therefore have energy to put into what and who matters to me.
Working with others to assist and support them to release their stories of burden and any core beliefs that don’t serve them, is my goal each day when working with clients – finding your Essential Self is the most liberating process you can embrace. When you are living as your Essential Self then you are living authentically.